Are we great again yet?

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There's an airplane with five passengers on board: Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Pope Francis, Angela Merkel, and a 10-year-old schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes. Trump says: "I need one. I’m the smartest man in the world and am needed to make America great again." He takes one and jumps. Johnson says, "I’m needed to sort out Britain." He takes one and jumps. The Pope says, "I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church." He takes one and jumps. Merkel says to the 10-year old boy: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10-year-old replies: "Don’t worry, there are two parachutes left. The smartest man in the world took my school bag.”

[Full discloser. Found on the Internet. I didn't write the joke. But there have been numerous versions of it over the decades.]

 
President Donald Trump is constantly complaining about Robert Mueller’s investigation into his possible collusion with Russia in our 2016 election. Hardly a day now goes by when our so-called president doesn’t pout, “It’s a witch hunt! It’s a witch hunt!”
 
Well of course it’s a witch hunt, Donald. What did you think it was going to be--an angel hunt? Thirty-some people associated with getting you “elected” have already been indicted and several of them have been convicted and are now headed to the big house with the razor wire fencing. So it’s not only a witch hunt, it’s a rounding up of your entire coven.
 
I will be so glad when this is all over. But this has started me thinking about other issues--only somewhat related.
 
With so much witch hunting going on, the news reports are now coming fast and furious. I wake up in the mornings and read articles obviously written just before sunrise. And more and more I am finding typos and grammar errors—even missing words, which confuses me.
 
These mistakes may not bother most people, but as the former director of the American Management Association’s business writing curriculum, I find this trend disconcerting. Either today’s journalists are no longer being taught writing skills in J-school, or else there is just not enough time anymore for an editor to proof-read every article before it gets published.
 
But moving on, witches make me think of whiches. In other words, the word, “which.”
 
Stay with me now.
 
Like the words “farther” and “further” (frequently misused), “which” is often used when the correct word should be “that.” Let me give you an example using my two dogs:
 
Incorrect:
 
One of my dogs which needed a teeth cleaning was taken to the vet today.
 
(This implies that both dogs needed a teeth cleaning but only one of them went to the vet.)
 
Correct:
 
My dog that needed a teeth cleaning was taken to the vet today.
 
 
So how do you know which (no pun intended) to use?
 
A quick rule of thumb is to use “which” when it is basically a parenthetical phrase—i.e., not essential to the overall meaning of the sentence.
 
So the incorrect version (above) can be corrected simply by adding some punctuation:
 
One of my dogs, which needed a teeth cleaning, was taken to the vet today.
 
That brings us to “that” itself, which is so overused. I’m frequently guilty of this one. Instead of writing, “This is what I think we should do,” I often write “This is what I think that we should do.” Removing the “that” makes your writing crisper and does not change the meaning.
 
A good practice is to go back and check your writing for misused “whiches” and unnecessary “thats” before publishing or hitting the send button.
 
And THAT will help facilitate a good WITCH HUNT, WHICH will make us all feel better.
 
(Follow-up note: one could argue that dogs are people too. In which case forget about which vs. that. Now we are talking about who vs. whom. For another time.)